Alex is doing well. Overall, I feel hopeful and positive as usual. But lately there's something that has been tugging at me in the back of my mind. Alex is making progress, but as time goes on, he gets further and further behind his peers. I've been saying for years that my biggest and most hoped-for goal is to have a conversation with him. Like, a real back-and-forth conversation with his own ideas and thoughts, unprompted. For quite some time, as his eye contact and attention improved, I kept feeling like the conversation was just around the corner. Lately, though, I'm realizing that we may be further from that than I ever thought. Yes, he has more language than before, but he is so far away from expressing independent thoughts and ideas. He can look at a picture and answer a question, like "what is the girl doing?", appropriately, with "she's playing with the ball." He has proper use of language within the concepts that have been drilled into him. But if someone asked him, "why do you think the girl is happy?" there would be no comprehension of that sentence. At 5.5 years old, he can't follow a story line in a simple childrens' book. I'm watching my friends' children blossom, and while each of them has their own difficulties (which I don't diminish,) I sit here feeling left in the dust and isolated once again. I feel like I have a handle on what to do for him - he's in the right school and receives the appropriate therapies. I feel like he's too young for me to accept that he's "never" going to get to a point of full integration in school and/or society. But at some point, there will have to be some type of acceptance. I have long since accepted his diagnosis and his differences, but I always took solace in the fact that I had a large group of friends who all had similar kids and we could go through this together. But I sit around the table with them and feel like I have little to contribute to the conversation because Alex is still stuck on light switches and spinning objects, and hasn't done anything "new" for quite some time. I had always taken solace in the stories of kids making progress in leaps and bounds, but for some of us, the progress only comes in baby steps, I guess. I don't really try to explain his recent progress any more because I realize that I'm still saying the same things as I was a year ago - his eye contact is getting better, his spontaneous language is making progress... those things are still moving forward. A little bit at a time.
I love my little guy so much and I enjoy him every day. He's a sweetheart and loves to snuggle. He sings the names of special people in his life - Mommy, Amelia, Amelia's best friend, and one of his therapists. You know you're special if he sings your name. He knows all of the words to "For The First Time in Forever" from Frozen. He still loves pickles and grapefruits and the occasional lemon. All in all, he's very easy. My experience with his sister reminds me that, at least he never argues. Arguing and negotiating with a 2-year-old is a huge part of my life right now. Thoughts of both of my kids bring me indescribable feelings of love and affection. So I guess that the unpleasant feelings are borne out of deep concern for my Alex and the wish that I could just make things easier for him. There isn't a mean-spirited bone in his body and I wish I could promise him that the world and all of the people in it would be nice back to him forever.
